17 October 2009

Fuel The Imagination.

I love you, Dear,
but I'm my own best friend.

This space plus Me,
We'll beat the world outside.

Mouse? No. Dragon.
Cockroaches? No. Witches.

Bike? No. Lightning.
Keyboard? No. Baby grand.

Perfect? Fuck no.
But damnit, 'least I try.

View not so sweet?
Paint over the window.

Trash on the street?
Build sculptures on the curb.

Crackhead vampire?
Cast a spell of garlic.

Filthy neighbors?
Cloak airways with freshness.

The heat won't work?
Set all the rooms on fire.

I've got the sparks
Red flares straight from the sun.

Don't waste your breath,
You can't extinguish me.

15 October 2009

A Billie Holiday.

Woke up late
wrong side of bed
been here before
unfinished dreams scream in my head;

Grey in the sky
blues in my mind
can't stop this flood
falling harder than rains outside;

Know what this is
I'm skipping class
the best excuse
shooting head pain like shards of glass;

Someone broke in
he stole my heart
can't go there now
too much to change, time to restart;

As seasons chill
processes slow
cold presses in
comfort slips in blankets of snow;

I'll nap right now
no, tomorrow
can't ever sleep
don't you get it? This time's borrowed--

Just like our thoughts
just like our bones
just like our breath
we rent this space, it's not to own.

To make the most
of what is Real
explore all things
don't be afraid to fail and feel.

Dr. Seuss Space
Billie's Blues Show
Multitask Class
With some guidance--where'd the pain go?

Chinatown Bus Philosophy Class.

This is a belated post written on my way to DC on 3 October 2009. I just remembered it:

Five o'clock, we can't be late
Move this bus, need this escape
to the capitol for 14 bucks
pissed, foreign, lookin' for luck
shelter from 3 hours' sun
recycled air stifles all: one
six-foot five and red black man
thinks comfort should trump profit. Damn!

What if the yellow sun'd-Asian
listened to this California raisin
if he unwrinkled his nose
kept eyes less off me, more on his toes

What if we talked to our Selves
developed muscles for mind elves
if cell phones were cigarettes
save souls from second-hand smoke Tourette's

So long to think, so much to sow
can't move too much, can't throw my 'bows

ideas are flowing, sprung a leak
wish telepathy could spark the weak

clouds catch the sun, great mystery
ethereal, metaphysical, reality

what's real? what's right? what's fate? What's sleep?
Sought ultimate truths are molten, deep.

Public transport philosophy,
Eastern neighbor serendipity.

From Whence It Came or To Whence It Goes?

Originality, a Western distortion:
My thoughts are all History.
I'm not at all Special,
but it's a nice comradery
to know I'm not alone--
just amongst Special.

14 October 2009

I Gross, Therefore I Am.

Demon slayed!

No hospital visit is normal, I suppose. This one was replete with questions:

1. Are you still Methodist? "What in the world?" I thought. Don't catch me off guard like that. "Why? Do you think I'm going to die?" I said at 6:30am to the groggy receptionist. "I can put 'none'," she said. I said okay.

2. Why are you considering putting me under anesthesia when there's an active Code Red fire search going on? Shrill alarms, white lights, security guards, police officers, and firemen swarming the surgical prep room, while I sit on the bed naked in an oversized backless hospital gown with an IV in my wrist. Good thing I'm not prone to panic attacks.

3. What do you mean I might have to come in for a 2nd surgery if the 'walls' of the hematoma don't collapse in on themselves? It took me 7 months to come around the1st time. Can't you just fix it now? Luckily, he did. A more extensive procedure, yes, but guess what? I'm all scraped out!

4. Have you ever thought about why they call it "prone position" when you're lying on your stomach? "Prone to what?" I asked the surgical nurses. "To wandering eyes? To death? To anal assault?" Funny enough, that's the last thing I remember, in combination with one woman dodging my question by telling me how pretty the tattoo on my shoulder blade is. Then I passed out.

5. Who are the little elves I saw while I was unconscious? The gnome-like elves I saw are also referred to as "self-transforming machine elves," "fractal elves," or simply "machine elves" in the world of dream study. During near-death experiences, these elves come out to tell you to watch and follow them. Sometimes this results in the dreamer speaking in tongues (glossolalia) and singing. At the end of the experience (i.e. death, or coming back to life), the elves are known to move away from your realm of vision, wave, and say, "Deja vu! Deja vu!" Whoa.

6. Why does anyone think it's a good idea to abuse Percocet? Upon my arrival home, the pain was so bad (Thanks, South Jersey potholes!) that I immediately popped two. At first, I felt silly and happy, with almost no pain and a feeling that I was like a Gumby character. An hour later, I hit the height of it's power: I didn't know whether I was going to sweat to death, pee my pants, or throw up. My eyes started closing involuntarily, I started losing consciousness as I crawled up the stairs to my bed, and I flopped down in prone position as I passed out--half expecting to see those elves again. Instead, I heard a loud, high-pitched ringing all around me and saw dull-colored plaid stripes behind my eyes, followed by everything slipping into white noise and snowflakes. I passed out cold for almost 6 hours. Never again, Percocet. Never again.

Luckily, I seem to be healing really well. I'm confined to taking the bus for the next week because I have a row of stitches and a stupid fluid drain attached to the incision (I thought you'd like more butt pics--for the furthering of science and senses of humor everywhere, of course.).

All in all, I'm really glad I had this experience. Different states of consciousness, a reinforcement that I never want to be an unhealthy person, and a profound respect for people who have to walk around with colostomy bags and other such external receptacles to hold their insides on their outsides (like my mother, or my best friend's dad, or a little Sierra Leonean boy, Musa, who graced my life in 2008).

I dreamed that I was on a bicycle last night, and I didn't fall off. I love my bicycle. We've made peace since the infamous accident. I just hope it doesn't forget me while I heal.

13 October 2009

Available in All Shapes, Sizes, and Forms.

Sorry for not posting in the last week. Been battling this butt demon and a virus on my laptop. In case you're interested, my post for the FMF Women, Money, & Power Summit did make it onto their blog. Found here.